How His Mastery of the Illogical Instrument Can Restore Our Faith in Humanity

Our first day aboard the Death Star began with some sightseeing. We saw a sign saying: “Come Inside” at the Golden Corral Buffet and Grill, so we decided to try it. Inside, we overheard a conversation between two local storm troopers:

"We nicknamed him Pedo-Bjarne." "Oh, how come?" "He was dating a 17 year old girl. Well, she was pretty cute, but you just have to take advantage of every opportunity you get to remind him of her age." "Ah, yeah... right."

We ordered a dish called “Esben Smokes a Cigarette” consisting of Blue Swede Potato with Spring onions dú Bahaya, raptor meat and a side-dish of sledgehammer which I found odd though it seemed perfectly natural to my travel companion Phil. I did not eat my sledgehammer but Phil said not to fear as he “had this”.
He lowered the plate and said: “Hjørring, eat up pretty please” while gesturing to the plate. “Haha, yeah because you have a Hjørring” It was an animal resembling a clown bird, that Phil had bought. It was named Hjørring by the local Cipolla Rossa di Tropea tripe as it was small and inbred. It only answered to Hjørring and not “Adolf Hitler” as it had been dubbed by Phil.
For dessert we ordered an exotic fruit. A tip for future Death Star travelers: If you consider yourself amongst reserved gentlemen do not order the Jangan Meludah fruit as it will make you drool heavily for 10 minutes. It was then we noticed the sign “Please do not spit” next to us. Our waiter, who had introduced himself as Robin Gayelord, brought us a cooler of complementary Pocky sticks as we had been kind enough not to ask about his name, and it being the only measure against the Jangan drooling.
Shortly after, an announcement was made over the intercom and a propaganda film - A Tale from Labrador, started using the hologram projector. It started out with the severe poking of a child using a hawk, called Black Ran, and Phil and Hjørring were in tears laughing but when it showed the utter destruction of, first, the city and then the planet, Titan G4TZ, my travel companion started crying: “I need an adult!”
Seeing such horrors, our faith in humanity seemed lost and in our effort to protest this propaganda, storm troopers rushed to arrest us. Tip: freedom of speech does not apply here. We managed to make a narrow escape using Phil's DYMO Rhine Professional 6000 kit Label maker which he had fused with a Lego gun. It was during this escape that I noticed just how good at using this illogical instrument he was. Every time hope seemed lost, Phil's mastery of the instrument proved me wrong. We ended up cutting our visit to the Death Star short but Phil had showed me that some small justice did exist on the Death Star – even if we had to make it ourselves.

By Daniel Berg & Philip R-K