He loves me; I know… at least he keeps telling me so. I love him too, but I feel so confused about it all right now! I need to decide what to do, but how? Who am I to determine the future, or lack of so, of a fellow being? I wouldn’t want anyone ordering my death. Then again, with all my drinking, I might as well have partly killed it anyway – Oh God, I’m not cut out to care for nobody but myself anyway! To take responsibility for my own actions seems a bigger challenge than expected – Then how would I manage to take care of other than me? I’ve always pictured myself as a neat and respectable woman. I’ve predicted my future to be as my mother’s – find a good husband, marry and have children, expand the family. However, under these circumstances, when my love does not desire the same as I, how can I act upon my wishes? I will not force him, as he claims he will not force me – Although he seems to strongly suggest what I should do. I guess I have already decided, though I will miss the life I had planned out for me.
Yes, perhaps the drinking is an unconscious way of punishing herself for her mistake, and an unconscious desire for self-abortion... If she chooses self-sacrifice as you indicate at the end, that makes her life even more miserable...
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