Final Diary of The Duchess

Dear Diary.

I know now what I must do.  But I am afraid to.  You are the only one I can talk to about this and I know you will never tell anybody.  You will never betray his loyalty.  I feel trapped.  I cannot speak freely as I used to.  The words are stuck in my mouth and I feel uncomfortable all of the time.  People can tell that something is wrong but I’m trying my hardest to conceal it.  For what would be the consequences?  I don’t trust myself to tell the truth.  What if he’s right and I’m imagining everything inside my head.  He whispered in my ear last night that he was going to strangulate me in my sleep.  Then he grinned.  I know what he is going to say if I confront him with this.  That’s a lie.  It never happened.  I was joking and you are hearing things inside of your head that don’t exist.  I know that I’m going to doubt myself.  Maybe he is right that all I want is attention from other men, that I am easy.  I would jump at the first opportunity to get into bed with another man.  That is why he needs to control me, because he doesn’t trust me to control myself.  That is why he forbids me to speak to other males.  That is why I have to carry this code of silence to please him and make sure that I do not act inappropriately.  I feel sick inside my stomach.  No matter what I do, it is wrong.  I am wrong.  I’m scared that he will hurt me somehow.  I know that this far it has only been words and I know that it is his jealousy speaking, not himself.  But I am terribly afraid he is going to snap.  I see it in him whenever he cries and begs me to stay with him, to give up my own freedom for him to feel like he’s not losing control over me.  My head is aching and my heart is pounding hard inside my chest as I’m confessing this to you.  I’m so scared that he is going to find this evidence of my betrayal.  It’s enough.  I don’t know what else is out there for me.  I know that nobody else will ever love me, they only want me for sex, as he tells me.  But I will take that chance.  I will leave tonight and never come back.  No matter what I have to go through.  I will never come back.

* The Duchess