He danced down the sidewalk with an elegant precision in each step. The swift movement of one foot in front of the other prepared him for the next jump. He landed within an inch of perfection at the tip of his toes, regaining his balance instantly. He pictured how they would react, the crowd. They would know instinctively, as did he, that this would be the Grande Finale. The most crucial of moments, in which the true value of his entire performance would be substantiated. A collective sigh would go through the crowd in anticipation of either a failure or an epic display of control and willpower. He drew in a short breath, tensing his calf muscles to the extreme and leapt through the air pirouetting three times, landing impeccably clean. Sitting head bent over knees, he felt the cool of the autumn air. He felt the sweaty moisture dripping from his forehead down the tip of his nose and onto the pavement. He felt the fuzzy ball of warmth spreading from the pit of his stomach and all the way to his vibrating fingers and toes. Finally he looked up, smiling.
I have chosen to write about the abstract notion Passion in fiction.
I quite enjoyed your writing - there's a bit of Fame in it, with kids dancing on the pavement. However, you would be hard pressed to find anyone doing pirouettes at that standard (triple pirouettes) on the pavement as opposed to a sprung floor. And a short breath is technically wrong for such an explosive move. (I'm damaged by my profession) - however, this is after all fiction and it does not detract from the clear image of someone who loves dancing.
ReplyDeleteI wonder how the reader would feel about the text if, when he finally looked up, he was crying.... changes the atmosphere of the whole piece somehow (a bit Black Swansey - maybe?)
You do a very good job of elaborating on a beautiful, passionate moment. It is brief, but serves its purpose. As for the crying mentioned by lokri, I feel that it would over-dramatize the moment. To be passionate you don't need to be over-emotional. I like it as it is. On a different note, I think some words read some-what awkwardly and would do with a quick revision. Such as 'tensing his calves to the extreme' 'landed within an inch of perfection' and 'landing impeccably clean.' The wording is nothing major, but at times it seems forced and interrupts the flow of an otherwise smooth, and easy read.
ReplyDeleteNot much to add to the comments above. The text does a good job describing the passion felt by the dancer. The fiction protocol is also fulfilled perfectly.
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